This one is gonna be a hard one for me. However, I can’t argue that some good things have come from a place where this entry may not have ever happened. So, I’m quite sure how I feel about it all. Maybe some clarity will come along as I get this all off my chest.
How many ever felt like you’ve missed something? Looking back at your life and the path you’ve taken… are you where you want to be? Is everything like you believed it should be?
For me personally, the answer to that question is an emphatic and resounding “No!” For the longest time, and maybe I still do, I have many things that mark me as a man. Not things like when I lost my virginity or when I had my first heartbreak. Don’t get me wrong, those mark me as well. But, not anywhere as deeply as what I’m about to air.
I’ll start by saying that it is a major failing that I’m not very assertive. I’m probably one of the most shy and reserved people you’ll ever meet. The fact that I can articulate and express myself well just means I paid attention in English. Though, most of my teachers will argue that I never did pay attention. Throw in the fact that they had a point when I had to repeat my freshman, sophomore, and junior year English classes in high school. Those are stories for another time…
Back to the point, what does this major character hindrance have to do with the topic at hand? Let me tell you:
Most people take advantage of opportunity when it knocks on their door. After all, there are plenty of aphorisms that tell you to do exactly that. Take your pick from whichever and they all apply. People who take steps like that in faith should be applauded for taking risks and going for broke. Nobody gets anywhere by particularly playing it safe. Life is an exercise in taking risks. It’s why we are all here. Hell, people make a living taking risks.
Me, I am petrified of taking risks with my social life. I suppose I’m taking one now by writing this but this one is more manageable because I have the protection of a screen instead of the piercing gaze of a peer. I am genuinely afraid of being told no. I don’t mean that in the way that may speak to me always getting what I want. I’m afraid of being told no when I’m willing to make an investment into someone and they aren’t willing to make the same one for me. I will admit that in those situations, I really have to take a step back and try like hell to objectively measure my self-worth. For a lot of us, if not all of us, it really is a struggle to not measure ourselves by the things we’ve managed to gain over time. I never did have a lot, particularly confidence. I’m not saying that I didn’t appreciate the things or the people I did and do have. I’m saying that it was like asking the impossible to branch out and petition for things. I didn’t like asking for stuff then and I really don’t like it now. But, it felt like I was asking a lot just to have the time of day. A big part of me still feels that way to this day. Especially when you’re asking them to hand the best of themselves over to you.
There have been two times to this day where I absolutely and unequivocally feel like I missed the boat. I won’t get into with whom or when they occured here. However, if you see this and want to communicate with me, feel free. But, I will tell you that they were both over females. Go figure, right? One was because I couldn’t bring myself to believe that I could have been worthy. Well, both of them over the same reason. That reason being that what I possessed wasn’t good enough. It is a catastrophic blow to the heart to know that what you have to give will always be more important than what you have to offer. Even now, over non-heart matters, the tangible will weigh more than the intangible.
It really is a tough pill to swallow watching all the things you thought you wanted pass over you. It’s a damn horse pill when you know that you could have had them as long as you stood up for them.
As long as you make room for those things, it isn’t much of a risk now, is it? It’s amazing how the things that tailored to you have a way of finding you when you need them instead of when you really want them.
Maybe that’s why there’s a chance I can finally believe someone when they say they love me or when they tell me there’s something better in the wings for me.
I can’t open the door if I’m not around now, can I?